TECHNOLOGY, SCIENCE, FOOD, MUSIC, Psychology, Hollywood, People & Business

that most likely college will not work out, so I need to focus on a special talent ability & move as high up the ladder as fast as possible with that skill.

With computers I have some leg room, but not much, and only slightly more with a higher education. That said with biology or my distant third passion psychology, it would be really hard to move anywhere in those fields without a lot more higher education =/.

It's at this point in my life that I regret not really focusing in on any sports, if I could get my asthma under control, I believe their are several sports I could have been incredible in, but my guess is it is too late for all of that now. So I have something with computers, or somehow breaking out of my many, many, many hard shells and getting a shot at becoming an actor, otherwise I may just be screwed. I do not have many talents, and the ones I do have, well 40% of them involve a bed, and I do not wish to be a porn star, so LMAO =D

Athletes have it made, especially none Olympic athletes who get paid based on their name, and not entirely their skill, meaning Derek Jeter can be signed for a 22 million dollar contract, and they have to pay him that whether he hits the damn ball or not for that entire year. Which I find to be bullshit, but whatever.

Olympic athletes have to not only make a name for themselves, but maintain it, b/c a sponsor (which is how they make most their money) can drop them like a fly if they suck, but w/e most these Olympians are made for life as well.

The real question is, at what point does society (or just my father, haha) look past the fact you do not have a college education, and see you as a success. And is it based on the salary you have made for yourself, or other factors as well? 

Maybe it is better to have not made any money, barely be making enough to sustain yourself, but maybe you have sacrificed your life to help hundreds or thousands or millions of people across the world. Would society not view you as successful then? and would they look past the fact I did not complete college?

I think how most the world gets caught up on the whole must complete college thing is bullshit, the world is changing and is not working how it used to. College is not the be all, end all, it's just so hard when you have society as a whole, but especially your parents (or parent) believing so strongly that it is the be all, end all. 

Too me college education while still important to me, is not as important as getting a career that makes me happy, where I look forward to go to work every day with a huge smile on my face. 

Making a lot of money, enough to support myself and family, and treat them and myself to the luxuries of life, as well as give back to those less fortunate is what is most important, and IDC how I get there, as long as I get there, and to me college isn't necessary in most the paths, and well I wish it wasn't necessary for all the paths, and maybe one day it will not be.

Certain jobs should always require a high college degree, teaching being one of them, for most subjects. That said as for most other jobs, it should all be skill based, and I do not think the employer should even look at the academic history of the person they are looking to hire.

I could go on forever about this (shocking right, haha), but to sum this all up, I will just say I think it is BULLSHIT (that's putting it kindly) that in many ways, in many cases, I am unable to be successful for 2 reasons. The fact I do not have money to get any of my ideas started and off the ground (yea a few work arounds for that, but let's leave those out of the equation for now)

and the fact that I am surrounded by a TON of people that will never, ever let me live down not graduating from college with at least a bachelors degree. And that shit is doing so much additional damage to me, and holding me back so much further than I should be, but no-one could ever understand that, especially the people who are pushing so hard for my "success"  in their eyes. 

If they just let me go for my success in my eyes years back, instead of pushing me towards shit I can't do for multiple reasons, and shit that literally has almost killed me multiple times (me and school of any sort do not mix well, and we'll leave it at that). Then who the fuck knows where I would be right now, definitely no-where near the bullshit life I am living right now. That said of course not everything wrong in my life can be blamed on others, but honestly about 80% of it easily can! =/

not enough human interaction on demand for my liking in this world! I honestly think something is just wrong or broken somehow in the world! and shockingly enough, for the most part when I say human interaction, I kind of don't mean online

the closest I can get to what I am really looking for online is intense AIM chats, or skype talks, especially with video, but that shit doesn't even hit the mark of what I am talking about

both sexually and non sexually

I say on demand, b/c well I want it on demand, 1 meeting I wish to be alone, the next minute I wish to be surrounded by 1 or more awesome peoples

I am going insane here, not all the time, but times like this, I am starved for human interaction, and sure you can say get some friends, but the friends I had I didn't want (in fact more than half of them I killed), and IDK I just can't find anyone that works long term

but even if I did have 1 or more people now, none of them would be down to do w/e the fuck I decided to do at this moment in time, b/c #1 I am random, and #2 the current time it is

no-one fucking runs on my schedule

damn this life is annoying

but well actually it is not entirely the world's fault, I did find someone pretty damn awesome IRL (well online is real life too, but yea, I think you know what I mean, not online)

but I am such a fucktard, that well I screwed that up already, I somehow manage to screw everything up without even trying (and maybe the keywords there are "not even trying") maybe while not trying to screw anything up, I am just also not trying to do anything, which would be a fair statement I guess

but whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, the whole point is not to fuck anything up

but honestly shit shouldn't be this hard/difficult to make relationships

granted non of my relationships have lasted except w/ a few of my online friends (some of who I would never label as just an online friend, but actually as my best friend, such as Kate)

but when I was younger, up until about hmm 7th grade, maybe 8th grade

shit just happened, seemed I didn't have to do anything to make friends, and well at that time I didn't have to do anything to get a girlfriend either, it all sort of just happened

granted again these relationships were super solid, but it was something, they all served their purposes, and I was out almost every fucking day of the week doing something, and not just something, but something fun

but even worse is it was with people I could say anything too, and I think that is what I miss the most, even though they were all fucktards/assholes, people like Julia and Jordan (and lesser level Nick and Stephen), and then of course I could go way back to Lake Ronkonkoma, but hell that is too depressing

but going back to just those 4 people, even though I guess only those people would I consider friends, you have a group of about 30 people that stem out from them that while you would not consider them to be you friend, you still hanged out with them, and for the most part felt comfortable with, and I miss that shit too

but whether in a romantic relationship or just a friendship, I can't stress how important I think it is that you can say whatever to that person and not have them judge you, and better yet get feedback on that thought

I only get that with 1 and a half people in my life right now, and well the 1 person is all the ways in the fucking UK, but still thank God I have her

as for the half, well I won't say who that is, but I guess my mom and sister are halves too, but at this point they don't count for much, sadly even my mother doesn't get it or me anymore

I honestly don't know what I am looking for or if it can be found, I am just confused by the fact that I have had it so many times before in my years past, and I didn't have to do shit to get it

now not only to I feel like I have to work hard for it, but I have no idea where to begin and what exactly I am working for

not to me a conceited fucktard, but honestly it is like a crime someone as awesome as me does not have like 100 friends IRL, and no I am not joking, and if you knew me to my core, such a statement would not offend you and put a bad taste in your mouth

in fact on Facebook I have 1 to 2 people agreeing with that statement, and sadly another person about 2000 miles away is not on my Facebook who would also agree, but that story (and no not fucking Karina, haha) is just a crazy ass story to go into so I won't. Crazy b/c of who she is and what she does and believes, even crazier for how we get along.

anyway I would also hope that people that don't know me anymore, but did know me pretty damn well, most to my core, some almost to my core, would agree with that statement too (and boy would I just love to name names here, b/c well IDK, but those names would shock some people) but let me just throw some shock into there and put basically my entire family on there, on both my mom and dad's side. Now my mom's side of the family I rarely see, so whatever that's fine, not their fault. As for my dad's side of the family, the reality is absolutely none of them have any idea who I really am, especially to the level/degree I speak of when I say know me to my core. Besides maybe my grandmother, and that is a HUGE maybe, only 1 person came extremely close to knowing me to my core in my family, but that has all been blown to bits to such an extreme degree, that now that person probably knows me almost the least of most of the people in my family.

Who knows me the best is kind of strange, but easily it would be my aunt Lisa and my cousin Jon, and even they are still many miles away from knowing all of me

but anyway, where was I?

again IDK how much I am to blame here, and I am certainly not denying I can't be blamed for some of this, in fact outside of my family as far as relationships go, I know there is something wrong that is due to me b/c of this upsetting/disturbing true fact

even when a girl were to fall magically in the sky into my life and well let's leave it at that, IDK what to do about it, the funny thing is in my head I know exactly what to do, every fucking single step of the way, every single detail for everything as far as dating goes, and everything (*cough aka the fun stuff cough*) that goes with dating, believe me I know it all

but when it comes to actually doing or saying anything, you might as well be trying to be dating a fucking pillow, I just can't do anything, so of course that is my fault, but IDK I just want more, which is bad on my part, but literally and maybe it is b/c I am used to it from my last relationship, but just fucking tell me what to do

honestly that works for me, b/c that breaks tons of barriers and walls down pretty quickly, and well while Julia wore the pants in our relationship in the beginning, she certainly was not wearing them in the end, and well for the most part I am OK with that entire setup

I just want to be the puppet, and you the puppeteer, not like in a weird kinky fucked up way, but honestly with the state I am in now, and have been for who knows how long now, I do not think there is any other way

that said I still face the same problem with just normal friendships, and while I may get lucky again and find a girl who is like that, I most certainly will not find 1 or more (and more would be ideal) just cool people I do not wish to date/fuck (haha) to work/act that way as well

and well I am just crippled when it comes to doing anything, making the move, doing all the steps it takes to build and maintain a relationship of any sort, although clearly when dealing with a girl I wish to date it is about 3x worse, but still

it just is seriously like I am being deprived of oxygen, here I am starving for human interaction, but apparently I can not properly interact with fucking humans

why you might ask, well IDK I am still trying to figure that out, and clearly I wasn't always like this, and well I know the first thought to come to mind is too much time on the computer, and talking on the computer, and you forgot how to talk to people IRL. Well I am sure there is some validity to that statement, but honestly to the point I am at, there's no way that did all this damage.

As said earlier this problem is so fucking bad that I know it is a disorder/medical condition, and well I do have social anxiety, but again I have to think this is something more

as I sit here writing this, I am almost literally gasping for air b/c I feel part of me dying b/c I am not around people right now, sounds insane I know, but it is true

and of course not just any people would do the trick, but I guess that is a given and besides the point, but I did need to say it

finally I just want to bitch about something I really got into in some older blogs of mine, but never enough, which is that is is beyond unfair that I have met 2 and a half people online that I feel so fucking unbelievably comfortable with it is not even funny, and that I would hang out with every day if they lived near me. My point is, well IDK maybe I do not have a point, just upset that people that awesome do not live near me, WHY!? why the fuck can't I meet people like that near me? If your name starts with A and you are actually reading this, b4 you ask, I do not speak of you here, you my friend confuse me and tear me apart, but it is not your fault, and sadly IDK why, but I am just not comfortable enough with you, so this time I do not speak of you, but you are still unbelievably fucking awesome and amazing!

ok so in my life right now there are 2 major issues, the blog below this I listed only 1, and well this blog right here kind of went into a little bit more detail and covered the one mentioned there. Well I lied b/c there are 2 problems, and in part 2 of this, if I even decide to write it, b/c let's face it, people are assholes, mean rotten fucking assholes, and those people include people I consider to be friends and well it also includes my sister who has something to say about everything.

PEACE!

so a mostly good, but slightly bad realization has been had by me just now, which is even though I appear crazy/weird/strange/queer and even gay to most people ... the reality of the situation is I am much more "normal" than most the people walking this earth, who somehow have the privilege to be considered normal, when they are so far from it, it is not even funny. The reality is they live miserable fucked up fake lives, but hell that is another issue I do not have time to get into.


Anyway back to me, honestly considering I solved some other real issues I used to have (that I guess would not make me "normal"), such issues that I could only discuss with my mom, sister or friend Kate, but whatever. 


Yes anyway since those no longer exist, the reality of my situation despite how it appears to the outside world (and people very much inside my own world) is that the only real issue I have, and it is a huge issue, and I would definitely say it qualifies as EXTREMELY NOT "NORMAL"


is that I honestly have a serious disability/disorder where I can not, fucking no joke, can not talk to any woman I have more than a hmm like 70% interest in. That my friends is not normal, and the only time I was able to overcome that issue is when I talk to them b/c I have to at my job, b/c they are buying something. But otherwise I seriously can not talk to most women, and it is very, very depressing as one might imagine. But honestly IDK how to solve it, and I would love to know what it is like to be "normal" and just be able to go up to a girl and start talking about whatever, and that turns into a date, and so on, but hell anything above hello literally starts freaking me the fuck out, and what the fuck is the point of getting a phone # if I will probably never call, and if I do call, I would sound like a bumbling fool. As lame as it is, I really do just prefer to contact women via Facebook, or txt messaging, and haha well we all know that is just wrong, not how it is done, but it is about the only way I can get any words out. 


IDK where I am going with this, but I just wanted to share it with the world, b/c again for the most part this is a very happy realization, b/c honestly coming from someone who can really step outside themselves, and see the whole picture, at this time in my life, I honestly can say and truly believe nothing else is wrong with me in any way (besides the ADHD and OCD, which I am not counting, LOL) that makes me not "normal" and makes it so I should be considered weird/strange/queer/crazy/gay


All those things are part of who I am, part of my awesome personality, and what I think adds to making me more normal than the rest of these fucking stiffs out there.


Believe me I see why people think I am gay, I like many things women are into, I know a lot of stuff that women know (or gay men) ... this list could go on forever, and haha to top it all off my inability to talk to women really does not help the issue at all


but again even something like that I feel makes me just a cooler person, the fact that I do know about so many things out there, and have/take interests in home decor/gardening, murano glass, fenton glass, art (LOVE/adore 60% of all art in existence, just sucks that I could never make any), beauty stuff (mostly for other girls, but shit do I care a hell of a lot about my own hair, not that one could ever tell, also most the time I love taking care of my skin), cooking, wine, cleaning, baking, appletinis (and other girly drinks), LOL broadway, tina turner, mariah carey, haha you get the idea


I get bullshit from everyone, but now more than ever I realize how stupid they all look, IDK, I am beyond thrilled to be who I am, and I seriously mean that, and well most people can not honestly say that at all, so for that I am very happy and grateful


that said, that one issue is almost unbearable to live with, but considering hmm when I was probably between 12 to 17 years old I must have had like 30 pretty bad issues, having only 1 now is well pretty incredible


but fuck it is really killing me in so many ways, and even with that depressing pain, I am still at the happiest and healthiest point I have ever been in my entire life


OK well that is all I guess ;-D

This is a very general list, I may update this with more specifics or just write a whole other blog.  This list is in order, but that was not an easy thing to do, also #1 & #2 are constantly switching positions. 

1. Computers

2. Biology

3. Psychology

4. Human Sexuality

5. Big Business

6. Food

7. Biotechnology

8. Astronomy

9. Earth Science

10. Chemistry

just missing the list would be Sociology

You will find many of these general categories/subject overlap one another, for example my interest in food involves a hell of a lot more than just cooking and eating it, but for most foods I take huge interest in the science behind the food, how it was formed, how will it positively or negatively affect our body and why, etc.

Human Sexuality studies not just the physical aspects of sex (biology), but also the extreme psychological aspects of it as well, in fact I won't say how right now, but you can work almost all my interests into the subject of Human Sexuality! it is an incredible & fascinating subject matter.

Please note that you could very well remove Chemistry from the list if you were to replace it with the so damn general topic that it annoys me of "all other technology that isn't computers", because I definitely love most technology that exists out there over Chemistry, but I still love Chemistry, but it is like math with me, one minute I am flying & knowing everything, the next minute I am in the land of the lost, not knowing WTF just hit me, and confused as hell.

This list is in order.

1. Dogs (mostly all dogs, I love dogs! not a fan of poodles though)

2. Dolphins (OMG what wonderful creatures, I can not wait to go swimming with some)

3. Tigers (gorgeous animals, and fascinating to me, I love them, they are my friends, until they eat me, which they most certainly would, haha)

4. Whales

5. Bears (almost all bears, and I fucking hate when humans kill them for any reason, unless the bear is killing me or someone else I care about, leave it the fuck alone! Yea I usually put animals lives over humans any day of the week, especially animals like bears)

6. Lions

7. Turtles (IDK why, been obsessed with them since I was like 6 years old, I just love watching them!)

8. Rabbits (all of them, cute little furry things, one of the cutest animals ever!)

9. Hamsters (I have had like 7 to 9 in my life, loved almost all of them to death! some are smarter than you think, I stress some)

10. Tame Cats (like pets, not cheetahs, and definitely not all of them. Cats can be annoying as hell, but if you get a good one, they are just absolutely amazing creatures, brilliants and so lovable =)